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La magufería lleva bragas

Voy a aprovechar el reciente pufo de TEDxValenciaWomen, hacer Reiki para niños, y la paz y el amor universal,  para comentar algo que todos conocemos, algo que sabemos que está ahí y no queremos admitir. Un rincón oscuro de internet que a su ver tiene mucho éxito; al que la mayoría de la población de este medio, es decir los hombres y mujeres no demasiado locas, no se atreve a entrar. Este sitio es: Foro enFemenino.

De ésta fábrica de ideas en la que te puedes encontrar de todo, hemos visto salir muchas situaciones difíciles de creer: Desde cualquiera de sus Psicotest totalmente fiables (que no quede ninguna duda de esto), hasta aquella mujer que pensaba que su novio le era infiel porque veía porno (había un hilo mucho peor parecido pero no lo encuentro). Como podéis ver, en temas sexuales, el puritanismo y el escandalizarse sigue siendo la norma general para el sector femenino. Más de uno ha tenido que sufrir eso cuando se movía más una muñeca hinchable en la cama que su propia novia.

Pero vamos a otros sectores de alta competencia de esta página. Se trata de otro tema que a las mujeres les encanta y en el que las magufadas campan a sus anchas: la estética. Dietas, potingues, trucos para embarazadas, tablas de ejercicios pero sin cansarse mucho, etc. No queda mucho que comentar cuando dos de las tres entradas de esta sección cumplen a la perfección el método científico y te cuentan que la homeopatía te arregla todo, todo. Desde un culo flácido hasta que no puedas dormir. ¿Que quieres salvar un matrimonio de mierda? Un té verde y arreglado; ¿Te quieres convertir en Gandalf el Blanco? Homeopatía. ¿Qué método usó Chuache para ganar los mundiales de culturismo? ¿Ejercicio intenso? ¿Yemas de huevo crudas? ¡Qué va, mujer! Unas flores de Bach y se acostaba a dormir.

Ahora que estamos fuertes y hermosos gracias al Reiki, rezarle a Alá y no tener nada que agradecerle al Efecto Placebo o haber dejado de comer como cerdos… uy, perdón, cerdxs (para que no se constate el machismo de la lengua), vamos a lo importante: Pescar un buen marido. Este es el momento culmen en la carrera vital de cualquier lectora media de enFemenino ¿Cómo conseguir tamaña hazaña? ¿Leeremos hasta deslumbrar con nuestra inteligencia? ¿Conseguiremos una carrera exitosa? ¡Eso es para las pardillas!, perdón, ¡Pardillxs!. El método infalible, con la tasa 100% de efectividad es… Cómo seducir a un hombre según su horóscopo. Claro que sí, no veis la revelación.

Para cerrar el círculo, hay que agarrar bien a tu hombre: Te tiene que hacer un bombo. Bueno, cuando llama el reloj o eres la única de tus amigas que no puede salir a fardar de crío, siempre está la opción de no necesitar agarrar un hombre, pero pedir que te hagan un penalti. No me he puesto a buscar “el wifi te hace estéril” porque tendría que escribir un libro.

¿Cómo pueden querer este sector de la población femenina que se les tome en serio si son tópicos machistas con patas? ¿Cómo puede la gente creer en cosas así en pleno siglo XXI? Señoras, modernícense, esas cosas las hacen quedar como idiotas. Luego no se extrañen cuando sólo son blanco de bromas o chistes machistas. Hay que dar una imagen diferente de la mujer y no son nada de ayuda. Hagan ejercicio de verdad, lean libros de ciencia y no se conviertan en novias/mujeres obsesas.

Respetadme, para documentarme he visto cosas que vosotros no creeriais.

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